I'm shocked when I look at pictures of myself because I see a grandmother and not a young wife and mother, like I was a good twenty years ago.
In fact, I see through my mind’s eye that woman of the past and when I look in the mirror, I want to look away quickly because I don’t like what I see or who I have become.
The lines are there, they could be squint lines, but I am trying to convince myself that they are actually smile lines around my eyes and mouth.
There are those nasty age spots appearing on my face and have done so for sometime now, on the backs of my hands. I thought only old people had them.
In fact the other day, when I glanced down at the hand holding the steering wheel, I sort of took a second look as I didn’t want to believe it was really my hand.
I wouldn't have plastic surgery or botox as that is just not really being the real me. So am I just living in a fantasy.
The weight has poured on over the last few years and I don’t seem to be able to shake it off. I try and lose a bit and then it all just comes back.
My body is not coping and so it is telling me by aches and pains, stiffness and swollen knees and ankles.
It’s really only me who can fix it.
I'm growing older, nearly reaching the three score birthday in a few years.
Life hasn't always turned out the way we had planned; there have been heartaches and sorrows, times when I have been in such a dark place I have felt very alone, and a lot more physical pain than I could have ever imagined living with - but always grace to choose joy in the midst of it.
This year there has been the arrival of yet another beautiful grandchild – we now are blessed with seven.
I have finally had some appointments at the hospital for tests but still there does not seem to be answers to all the questions of,
"Why do I feel so tired?"
"Why do I wake exhausted and with headaches most days?"
"Why does the weight just keep coming on all the time?"
"Why doesn't my sinus ever dry up?"
and just generally troubled with the way my body is becoming.
Even if I don’t eat much in a day for days on end the weight doesn’t budge.
To walk now requires support stockings and lots of pain relief beforehand and a ready supply through the night and the next day as well as anti-inflammatory tablets.
I have a daily nasal wash and a nasal spray as well as antihistamines.
And now I am on tablets to reduce my blood pressure.....
I don't know all the answers, only the questions, lots and lots of questions.
But I know who holds the future, and who knows what the answers to the questions are, and so I continue to trust, that even with each passing year, my heavenly Father has already worked it all out for me.