I Am Who I Am

The title of this post is NOT blasphemy or dis-respectable to God. In fact if anything it is honouring God.

Have you ever had a time when you think "I have had enough. I'm not going to preform anymore to someone else's script, do what everyone else expects, or be what everyone else wants"?

Last Saturday I woke and after wrestling with how things had gone over the last few weeks I really felt like that. I never seemed to have any real me time, and the demands from all directions often meant I couldn't do things I wanted to or to what I felt was the best. I'm not pointing my finger at anyone or any particular incident as it really comes down to what I let happen in agreeing or not, to requests, demands and expectations.

I was sleeping eight hours a night and it didn't seem enough. I was at work for an extra hour or so each day and I still didn't get everything finished. The love of doing all things to be 'homely' seemed lost and I felt angry, especially when I saw others doing the things I longed to be doing.

It was like I was being tied down and bound to what I had become. I didn't like it and it was making me grumpy at almost anyone or anything.

I'm reading a book by Shelia Walsh called "In the Middle of the Mess". I started it so many weeks ago i decided to restart it. A quote right at the start reached out to me. Shelia was interviewing Rich Mullins on her show and asked him a question.
"What are the most important things in your life?" 
He answered "At any given moment it might be slightly different, but I would imagine that nothing would be more important than becoming fully who you were supposed to be...."

To be who you are supposed to be - I wanted that. I wanted to be fully who I am. I didn't like how I'd been feeling and with a sort of freedom I broke from the ties and claimed "I am who I am". In God's Word, the Bible, we read in Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
New International Version 

I am happiest when I am being who I believe I was fully created to be - a woman of God. And for me I believe that is a well-loved child of God, a wife, mother, daughter, nana, someone who can teach by example the roles God made for me.

So that day I put aside all that people were wanting and spent the day in the freedom of being who I am.

I spent time with God in His word. He showed me how much He continues to love us even when we grumble and complain. (Exodus 16 when the Israelite's started out in the desert and complained for food and water. God heard them and gave them quail and manna 12 “I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites.)






I baked - something I haven't done for ages for just us.







I fed the men in our home lunch of toasted sandwiches, baking and cups of tea, while they worked on dismantling a vehicle on the property.


I'd been rostered on do the flowers for church. Something I had to do, but I do enjoy arranging flowers. And even though I didn't think I had anything in the garden. I found enough to put two vases together.

And I just rested and read.

By the time I went to bed I had a sense of satisfaction of being who I am and also being who God wants me to be.