The Things We Say

I wasn’t sure what to title this post as I wasn’t sure what it was that I was wanting to say (write) but as it progressed, I released it was all about “The Things We Say.” 

For those of you who don’t know me I have five beautiful grown-up children (8 grandchildren) and Harry and I have been married for 42 years. 

I am immensely proud of our children; who they are and what they have achieved and become. I’m not so much proud for being their mum (although “Yes” I am) but more of who they are. Each is different in their own way but they are all ‘from’ me and the things I have said, not said, done and not done shaped the beginning of their life journey. And now I see them all as adults having succeeded in each of their paths and all they do. I love them all dearly and want to be apart of their lives but I don’t want to be that interfering, intrusive mother and create a feeling for them that cringes each time I turn up! I feel privileged to share in their journeys, the highs and lows and I admit it hurts a little when I’m not or if I have no idea what is going on with their lives. 

In fact for one of them I struggle that they don’t want that for me. I know that sounds all a bit 'what about me" but I'm a mother and you just can't take the mothering out of me 😀

I am presently going through a book/study titled “A Year of Biblical Womanhood” by Rachel Held Evans I bought through Book Depository. 

She titled October as learning the art of Gentleness. I thought I had that sussed but it appeared I didn’t. 

I have learnt through this that I say some pretty cutting things to not just family but anyone really, that are not ‘gentle’. 

Now let’s be honest here, there are things we don’t like about people even when we love them including ourselves but that’s what makes us who we are and we know that the only ‘perfect One’ is Christ Jesus Himself so don’t be hard on yourselves. People will often say nice things about me and I have learnt to take them on board and accept them but I have had the other side of the coin too. Some of my children have said they don’t like the way I talk to their Dad. I thought “What’s wrong with the way I talk to him?” and this month I have learnt why. 

Rachel talks in her book about a ‘Jar of Contention’ she writes, and I quote: 

So to kick some of my less-than-gentle habits, I have made a “jar of contention,” which works a bit like a swearing jar. 

Each time I am caught in the act of gossip, nagging, complaining, exaggerating, or snark I put a penny in the jar. At the end of the month, each penny represents one minute I have to spend doing penance on the rooftop of my house to simulate what it is like to live with a contentious woman. 

I had to look up the meaning of contention to truly understand it: 

noun: a struggling together in opposition; strife. a striving in rivalry; competition; contest. strife in debate; dispute; controversy. a point contended for or affirmed in controversy.

Snark is from the word’s “snide” and “remark”.  

"Snarky" is used to describe speech with a specific emotional tone, typically a form of sarcasm informed by cheekiness and a mild, playful irreverence or impudence. When the dominant intent of the communication is to express or convey direct or judgmental rudeness, the sense of mild cheekiness is lost and the overall communication crosses the line to become "snide."

And there it was – I make snarky comments. 

I have come to realize that my mother made comments to me over the years when she didn’t agree or like what I did or said and they were ‘snarky”. Whether she meant to or not she was trying to make herself clear how she felt and being family, one thinks one can get away with talking like that. Well you can’t because it still leaves a mark. 

They say that behavior is shaped by nature and nurture. I’m not sure what the percentage is but these all are part of who we are. Whether we wanted to or not we pick up some of these learned behaviours that may or may not be beneficial to us. 

I started my ‘Jar of Contention” halfway through October using marbles (instead of coins as Rachel had because we just don't have coins anymore) and I soon learnt that I used snarky comments when ever I wanted to get a response of action or have the last comment to keep the silence. I’m not going to go into them but I felt terrible as each day progressed. 

The first day there were 6 marbles, then 5, six again and after a couple of days there would be 3 or 4 a day. After two and a half weeks there were 51 marbles in the jar. Now that would mean if I followed through with Rachels course of action I was going to have to sit on the corner of our roof for 51 minutes. 

Proverbs 21:9  Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. 

What is really interesting is that this verse is repeated again - And if there is one thing I have learnt is that if God repeats something its something He really wants you to know.

Proverbs 25:24  Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.  

I hate to think what it would have been if I had done it for the whole month! 

I decided I wasn’t going to actually do this as Rachel had, because it seemed like a waste of 51 minutes and I had learnt my lesson well and truly. There may be times when I still think snarky remarks especially when ‘promises’ are not carried through but I have learnt that the remark does nothing to help and only cuts the person it is aimed at. I have learnt to listen more and say less. I have also learnt to “hear” what is being said (or not) and to think about what is the most helpful and nicest way to aid, if need be, the other person if it truly is an issue. But I have learnt most that “Dah” I can’t have it my way. If correction is needed then sure speak about it in a caring way to encourage a positive turn around but to get one’s own way is manipulative and controlling. 

OK I’m not saying I have won the battle. I still have thoughts and the urge to say something cutting or snide because I don’t like what has or hasn’t been done or said, but I feel so good when I realize what it is and I keep it to myself. I have learnt a fault of mine and am coming a long way to lose it and be one step closer to a gentle woman in her speech.

Scripture taken from the New International Version