Reflecting

When you look at what you have done in the past and what you would like to achieve in the future do you ever think "I've wasted so much time?"

I sure have over the last few weeks. 

If you follow my blog, and/or know me personally, you will know what some things have been like.

With the death of my Mother and Sister last year I have been on a huge journey of grief, not to mention that added death of our Minister of 6 years. I worked along side him, not just in the church office but, as a lay minister and friends of his wife and him. It is a process one has to adjust to, not something with a time limit.

Life is never the same, the course just turned in another direction and in time you learn to live with the loss because it is now a part of who you are now.

But on this journey you will always learn knew things not just about life but of what is important to you.

With both my families loss there was the issue of sorting through their belongings and it is interesting to look at the things they had kept or hung on to, the things they didn't finish and the ideas that perhaps they had that you didn't know about. 

I have 'saved' bits and pieces from the clean outs because I wanted to hang on to what was a part of them but also I felt I could finish things they had started. But in doing this I now feel burdened to keep these things and do what I thought needed doing and there are now boxes of 'stuff' building up in a room. 

My daughters look and struggle and I know exactly how they feel, as it was the feelings I had at my mothers things. I want to do what is best but I also want to get on with the rest of my life, as in the big picture the years are counting down. Not in a morbid sense but just in a "This is what I want to do" but all these other things put on by others - either from my own doing or expectations of others - are taking that time.

There is a huge reluctance to toss or give away but one thing I know I need to deal with it, and now.

They say that you often have to produce a mess before you can start the clean up and I now see that is what I have to do. Another saying is you can't organize cutter.

But the process has begun and I will see it through. And with that I will be able to get on with the things I want to do for me, whatever that means in the big picture.

I have seen for me last year (Yes 2020!) so much time was lost and it can never be found again, but in getting on with sorting the blockades, the way forward will be easier. 

Being in control of 'it' means that 'it' will no longer control me.